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ReverendAspen

See you on FA, Space Cowboy
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So it happened again. I'll spare the details, but needless to say, it got ugly, and it was once again my fault. I seem to keep screwing up more and more in new and different ways (or so I thought it was different), and it's been happening more in the past year than any other period in my life. And for the longest time, I thought they were all unrelated, but I feel like I've found the common denominator: selfishness.

I've been doing a lot of soul-searching as they say, and following advice from friends past and present, and I've realized that yes; I can be selfish. Very selfish at times. But what I discovered is that this sense of selfishness isn't from malice or wanting free stuff or just wanting more and more for myself per se. It's about my own lust for validation.

Let me explain. Everyone feels the need to be validated sometimes, and some want it more than others, and more often. And I'm guilty of that. I felt that my yearning for being recognized for the good I do for people (and myself, admittedly) should be returned in some way. And yes, that's self-entitlement as well. I not only felt like I deserve to to get a "thumbs-up" as it were, I felt like I need to have it to feel like I made a difference. One of my biggest vices (aside from smoking) was feeling the need that, "Hey, I did something nice for someone" or "I sent so-and-so a gift" or "I finally finished a project" or even so much as getting a reply to a comment that I put thought into should be given back to me in some way. And that's all nonsense; I'm not entitled to any of that, because no one should have to feel like they "owe me" or need to return a favor.

So when I screw up and do or say something thoughtless, I want to learn and redeem myself. But through inaction, I became greedier and more desperate for that validation that I ended up making newer, bigger mistakes, and it just seemed to go and go in a circle. It's almost like I become so focused on chasing this imaginary feeling that I shouldn't have even felt the need for that I lost track of where I was until things crashed down. And it seemed like as it happened, anything good or kind or generous I've done gets buried under all the trashy things I did and said.

But here's the thing I've learned from all this: I don't need to be validated. I don't need (or even deserve to) be rewarded for doing something nice, nor should I care if anyone out there says "Good job" or "Thanks", because that desire to be recognized for doing something good is selfishness, and I don't want to be That Guy anymore. I never did, but I slowly realized that what I was doing was selfish and thoughtless, and I was becoming something that I didn't want to admit that I was.

That ends here.

From here on out, I will always remind myself of all that's happened and tell myself every day, "You don't need to be validated for your good actions. You are not entitled to that. You don't need to be recognized for anything. And above all things else, people don't owe you when you do something good for them. Instead, just do good things for people because they're good things to do." Teaching myself that is going to be hard, and I know that I'll forget here and there. But truly knowing about this fatal flaw of mine and where it comes from will help me to become the person I want to be.

I'm sorry to anyone whom I've shown this to, and I will get better. I promise. Because now I know what to look for, and what to stop doing.
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So I recently commissioned this from AlfaFilly:
Com: Autism Awareness Month by AlfaFilly

I commissioned it for the sake of Autism Awareness DAY (saying month was my mistake, and I was late to the party for the actual day), and the artist has since gotten a few comments regarding a certain organization that I will not name. The character pictured, Archné, has a condition resembling Asperger Syndrome, and I felt that she would be the perfect character to promote autism awareness. The reason the puzzle piece as a symbol is so prominent in this is because I like the aesthetic of it and gave it my own meaning (which I'll detail later).

That said, the organization I will not name I IN NO WAY SUPPORT. AT ALL. Said group sees autism spectrum disorders (ASDs) as a disease; something that needs to be "cured" and "put an end to" instead of something that should be studied, given representation, and embraced. Autism is NOT a disease. It is NOT something to be ashamed of. It is NOT something that people who have it "suffer" from. And it certainly is NOT something that needs to be eradicated.

When I was 19-ish (I can't remember how old I was, haha), I got this tattoo, that long-time followers may recognize:

That puzzle piece-shaped blackness in the idealistic scene around it might make me look guilty by association to that group. But as I said, I've given that symbol my own personal meaning. The puzzle piece symbol to me means many things, not the least of which being the lack of many outsiders truly grasping what ASDs (including my own Asperger's) are all about. While some may see something missing or just a black mark on perfection, I see it as something that needs to be explored yet accepted. Don't look at that piece and say "Something's missing, you're incomplete, blah blah blah". Look at it and say "I may not completely understand, but I want to know more about that piece and the man who wears it". In a nutshell, I see that symbol as all things misunderstood and unknown about autism, but those things are nothing to be intimidated by. And I see the puzzle piece as not something missing, but as a reminder to look at the big picture.

Yes, autism is misunderstood, and there's still much to it that we don't know. But I say, don't be put off by that sort of thing; instead, try to make a connection with it. Understand it, as hard as it may be for some.

If you wish to donate to an autism-related charity that actually DESERVES funding, attention, and support, here's a list of some trusted ones:

Sorry if this was rambling and stream of consciousness, I'm quite tired as I write this to be honest. But I hope that I made some sort of point with this little speech. Now I'll get off my soapbox and return to procrastinating on F&F and FW, haha.
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R.C.A.

My Spirit Animal is a Tree


Header by ReverendAspen

Bullet; Green Video of the Now: An AMV that deserves WAY more attention.


Bullet; Green Picture of the Now: There's a word to describe the mascot for Minnesota invasive pests, and that word is AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHitchhiker by ReverendAspen

Bullet; Green Mood: :iconpanicatthediscoplz:

Bullet; Green Listening to: "Rage Valley" by Knife Party

Bullet; Green Reading: The F&F NaNo draft as I edit it

Bullet; Green Watching: Linkara's Pokémon Gold Beta stream

Bullet; Green Playing: Neko Atsume

************

Let's get this part out of the way: I got tagged by Tristikov and he wants to know eight things about Archné, so here you go!

1: Although her mother (Marciannah) wants Archné to grow up to be a diplomat, Archné wants to be a botanist when she grows up.

2: She has a developmental disability similar to Asperger Syndrome, and is very open and proud of who she is.

3: Although she cannot digest grains, she is not lactose-intolerant and in fact loves ice cream. Mint chocolate chip is her favorite.

4: She is trying to learn how to play a trumpet-like instrument in her free time, and despite being less than skilled at it and getting easily frustrated by her shortcomings, won't stop trying.

5: Much like her mom, Archné can be unreasonably stubborn when she believes she's right and destructively angry when she's upset.

6:She typically only wears dresses and every one she has features floral print on it.

7: Her biological/surrogate father is a man named Ringou Correl from a neighboring planet called Maelstronia. Because Ringou himself is a bi-racial hybrid, Archné is composed of three different kinds of DNA. However, the man Archné calls her dad and the one who raised her with Marci as a toad-like man named Kirian Irkanus.

8: Archné is a spoiled brat through and through, and the only one to ever say "no" to her when she wants something is Kirian. She will sometimes get around this by asking Marci instead, who refuses to deny her anything.

And now, have some art features! Because I love this kid.
Now with that out of the way, here's something that's a long time coming: life updates!
Not much is different, honestly.

I mean, I'm working on trying to be more assertive without being an asshole, as well as being less negative about every damn thing. I'm seeing a new counselor because the last one wasn't helping, and I'm getting better at talking things 0ut with people without being hostile.

I'm also working on getting transferred to a different apartment building because I no longer feel safe where I'm at. In fact, I just got back from a meeting with the director of the housing authority that runs my building where me and about six other people from my complex listed grievances about the state of things for about an hour. I'm going to try holding out hope that things will improve for this current building, but I've already applied for a transfer.

Going up to Two Harbors for Mother's Day weekend, and the North Shore is supposed to get about six inches of snow on Thursday. Kill me. Drowning in Lake Superior sounds infinitely more fun than any more God damned snow.

That's about it from here. For those who aren't going to FWA this weekend, what do you have planned for the weekend?

C'est la vie, said the old folks,
~R. C. A.

Footer by ReverendAspen



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Honey Badger

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R.C.A.

My Spirit Animal is a Tree


...and I did it my way.

So, it's been a while, hasn't it? I hope you all have been well. I'm getting there; I just have to take small steps. Because you see, I'm going to level with you: this year--not just recently, but this whole damned year--has been cruel. More so to some of us than others. I am no one to say that I've had the WORST year out of all the people I know, because I know that's not true. But this month has been especially rough on my end.

So much so, that I had to go to the hospital last Friday because I thought I was having a heart attack. And I mean that literally; my heart was pounding, my chest hurt, my vision was going in and out, and it felt like part of my arm was going numb. Thank God it was just a severe anxiety attack, right?

Yeah. "JUST" a severe anxiety attack.

I hate this word, especially when it's not used properly. But what "triggered" it is something I'm going to keep under wraps for now. I will say, though; it was on that night that I honestly had not felt so alone and abandoned in a long, long time. And it wasn't just a sense of abandonment from one person; I felt estranged and alienated from everyone I know. I knew better, but I couldn't get the compulsive thought out of my head that not only does no one understand my kind of personal Hell, no one cares. Or worse, had completely dismissed and given up on me.

It was after I got back from the hospital that I had an idea: close myself off from Discord and the internet for the most part and use that time and energy to reflect on my life and calm down. After all, I have been told in the past many times by many people to walk away and take a break from a situation when it gets bad enough, and this was just me taking that advice. To an extreme degree? Maybe. But I did what I felt I had to do. And between that and talking to my therapist, I can say that it feels almost like becoming a new person.

That being said, I know some of you are angry with me for making the decision to isolate myself for a week. But I still stick to my guns and I know that it did me a lot of good. And I do apologize for upsetting you. And I know my words probably mean nothing at this point, but I'll talk anyway. Because if my decision made you angry, depressed, embarrassed, scared, or any kind of negativity like I was feeling leading up to that, I truly am sorry. If I did, let me know what I can do to make it up to you.

However, because of this, I'm left worrying for the people I offended with what I did and said. But all the same, I know that I truly have nothing to be concerned about. Because if these same friends have taught me anything, it's that you're the most kind, patient, and understanding people I could ever wish for. Even so, I'm sorry if I infected you with that toxic negativity I had built up inside me for so long. You all deserve better than that.

But for those who saw "Polarity", Aspen's back. I'm back.

Love,
~R. C. A.


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